Cronut and coffee from Ghostlight brought to me in bed? Why yes that is a delightful surprise. Thank you !

Goddess Agent

I am grateful the station I am at today is fairly isolated and autonomous.
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Pt: You are a secret agent of ISIS only with needles aren't you
Me: Hmmm. A secret agent for a great Goddess....I can handle that!

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I just don't know how to work with some people.  I generally can see other's perspectives but sometimes I think we are different species all together!!!

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Ships passing in the night is not always a lonesome and negative thing. 

Pain in the Neck

Not my actual MRI

Went to the doctor today.  He ordered me an MRI, put in a neuro consult, gave me meds, inquired if anything else was going on, and was overall great.  I'm just very anxious that I will end up with worse case scenario and needing surgery for my neck. How will that affect the rest of my abilities in life? 

Maybe if I didn't feel so uninspired all the time, if I got up off my arse and actually did something, it would help. I don't know if the depression is worsening or if I have been acclimating to the meds and need to up them.  Perhaps it is the weather or the lack of sleep.  I just don't like the way I feel.

Blah

My assignment today surrounded me with people I don't have a connection with and am highly suspicious of.  Thus I have been mostly alone today.  I'm ok with that.  When I go home it will be different.  

I don't want to go home.  It isn't home. It is....a house with stuff in it.  I hope that sometime soon I can fix that.

Coming to work I realized that what I was feeling the past several days was that of bereft.  There is something missing.

I think I did do something good today.  A patient touched my heart with our similar circumstances.  I was able to be there to support them through their fear and able to celebrate with them in their joy and hope.

It awakened a still tender and healing part. It still hurts after all this time. Working on many built up years of grieving will take time and will be difficult and painful. I will get there one day.

A Ring of Love and Frustration

Coyote gave me this ring today.  However I am not "allowed" to wear any ring on my left ring finger according to him because of what it socially implies.  I am frustrated and amazingly grateful.  I love the ring. The fact he picked it out for me means a lot.  Him dictating how I can and can not wear it (and my other rings) angers me though.

This is my dedication ring.  I've had it for over 15 years.  I wear it how I wish, which is on my right ring finger.  Rarely am I without it if ever. I don't like the idea of it not being where it is.

I am tired and drained and feel.....empty?

It is still warm outside, only slightly chilly.

Christmas Day

I just want to be home. Alone. Curled up.  Instead I am at work. It isn't too bad today though.  There is so much food and sweets and I'm trying very hard to stay away from it all.  Mom and Taylor did bring me left overs from last night though. It was sweet.

The day is going unusually calm.  I'm sure we'll make up for it later. 

People don't seem to appreciate my token of appreciation for them.  Sad.

Coyote had to work today too. It is probably good for him.  He seems calmer and easier to be around since he started working. I still tend to tip toe at times though. Love him but still wary.

Bah Humbug.

Christmas Eve

Went over to the House of the Educated Hermits.  Coyote surprised me with giving them and the Older Me special gifts of his own personal special items.  I was floored as he did it all on his own.

Older Me gave me ornaments from our past.  I was floored.

I always feel that my gifts are.....lacking.

Still not feeling it. Perhaps it is the warm weather.  I actually saw someone mowing their grass today.  In December. In Ohio. Go figure.

Bah Humbug

Scrooge

Worked all day at the Fellowship cooking tamales from scratch and helping with the Christmas giving.  I didn't know that Coyote had put our name in for being recipients.  The gifts Mouse got were really nice though, and he loved his.  I really wish he hadn't though. 

Spending time alone cooking was nice though.  And I loved seeing the look on the faces of those who also got gifts.  I need to work into the schedule to do more volunteer work outside of the Fellowship.

Still can't seem to get into the Christmas Spirit though.

Yule of Past

An old alter set up from many years ago.  Trying to recapture that feeling.

Yule

I have not been able to get into the spirit of the season.  The Yule retreat did nothing for me spiritually.  No decorations. No tree. No honoring. Nothing.

To top it off Coyote and I fought. As usual. I hate usual. Communication, Perspectives, Respect, Compassion...blah blah blah.

I'm just not here.